5 years ago…..

To answer your question ” have you thought about where you were 5 years ago?”

Five years ago I was living a different life. I was just about to marry someone that I wasn’t sure I wanted to marry, but felt like I should. ( Ignoring my instincts) I was in love with the idea of someone loving me, but knew deep down I didn’t feel what I should and either did he. Five years ago I started my life “Pretending” to be happy.
After a while I got really good at it… so good at it that none of my closest friends even knew what I was really feeling inside. It’s draining to live your life like that. Everyone that met him use to say ” you are so lucky to have a husband like that” “my gosh your husband is sooo handsome, you are so lucky” ” what a lucky girl you are”… I kept a smile frozen on my face. Always smiling… ALWAYS HAPPY.
Sometimes I would think to myself, if they only knew. A husband that was never home, a husband that enjoyed other women’s company more then your own, a husband that lied almost every time he opened his mouth….
Then I met her…. Someone I could be myself around. Someone that showed me that it was ok to be honest with myself. Someone that I felt I could tell my darkest deepest secrets to. Secrets that had been buried for years. It felt good to release them all. Not only was she my best friend, but I felt like she was a part of my family. It didn’t matter what she did, I always had her back and watched out for her best interests, as she did the same for me. Neither one of us filtered what we had to say to each other. EVER. Then one day that all changed too.

Fast forward five years. I stand alone without either one of those people in my life anymore. One feels good to be rid of, like a bad rash. The other… well, I’m dealing with it the best way I know how.
Surrounding myself with people who really do love me. First and foremost my children. They are the reason I breathe, the reason I make the decisions I make in my life, the reason for my existence.
I’ve learned one thing that’s very important in the last five years, NEVER SETTLE… In love, In life, never ever fake the smile that you just don’t feel inside your heart, just so others will think that you have it all together.
Moving on I have found myself, which brings me true happiness. Now when you see me smile, you can bet your ass it’s genuine.

Life Changing moments

It’s funny when you sit and think about what your life will be like 5 years down the road or ten years down the road, you have all these expectations and dreams.

Fast forward….. Nothing is what you thought it would be. The people you thought would definitely be there…. aren’t. The places you thought you would be personally or professionally have changed. Your life style has changed. You have changed.

I never thought I would be divorced. I have to say although it was rough and emotional, I am a stronger woman for it. I love my life. I love the person that I am, even in my darkest moments I have stayed true to myself and my children. I love the people that have stuck by me through my darkest days, I’ll never forget that! I’m by no means perfect, I have made mistakes, I have lost people that I love. I’ve learned from all the experiences I have been faced with over the last few years.

I’ve lost a lot over the last couple of years, but one thing remains the same… I am a survivor…. Nothing will keep me down…. I am not afraid.<3

Sad, but true….

When we are little, growing up, we look at the people in our lives and cannot imagine living our lives without these people there to live it with us. As we get older we realize people come and go, whether through death, arguments, growing apart, divorce, or sometimes with no reason or warning at all.

I think about some of the people that have gone from my life recently, and sometimes it makes me very sad. Whether it was misunderstandings, lies, hateful words spoken, broken trust… whatever the reason, it still doesn’t make the transition from having them in your life everyday, to never speaking to them again easy.
Watching someone you loved making people a priority that only consider them an option is difficult. I suppose in the end non of it really matters much.
It all seems to collide together in the end doesn’t it? Sometimes losing a friend or loved one is like a death or a divorce.
A death would almost be easier I think, I’ve been there. It is a hard experience, but at least you know that person didn’t CHOOSE to walk away, they were taken from you. Maybe a divorce is a better analogy.
When you divorce it is a choice. Sometimes Losing someone you cared for is a choice, and although it was a choice made with everything in mind, it doesn’t make it any easier or less painful.
I’ve had a lot of regrets in my life, This is one that I know I can get past, eventually, but getting there is proving to be more difficult then I had thought or planned.

This is so true in so many ways…

I’m sure we can all relate to this someway in our own lives….

Love him…

…….

Faded Memories

Today I took a trip down memory lane. I went to some blogs that I use to frequent a LONG time ago.
Most I didn’t spend much time on, just checking in to see how all is going.
One, I couldn’t stop reading. From the first day I met this person I was always captivated by their words.
Apparently that hasn’t changed even with all the years that have passed.
It was nice to read. Nice to see that life goes on.
Faded memories, words from the past, still cut like a knife.
I often wonder if they regret the things they thought.
Then I realize it doesn’t matter.
Honestly just happy that they are okay.
I removed myself because I didn’t want all the turmoil in my life.
Occasionally I go back for a few just to check on some.
Never staying long, because I never ever want to be in the situation again.
My mom use to say watch who your friends are, because when you lay with dogs you eventually get fleas.
I never really paid attention to that, I picked my friends. Now I know what she meant.
I got a bad case of the fleas.