4 you

I wanted to take this time to thank all of you …

 You always know how to make me laugh , when all I wanna do it cry. You remind me to keep breathing, no matter what.

THANK YOU!!

When Our Babies Hurt So Do We…

Today started out to be an ok day… I was off to my sister in laws house with Moe and Remy.  We all went out to dinner for her birthday… I was gonna cook but we decided to wait until Friday to cook  the empanadas…….We come back from dinner take out the cake … go to sit and relax for a while….

 Kids are playing running all around… We keep telling them to stop running, to no avail…..

Remy……God how I love him. I am not a very good mommy……When I see blood, I pass out…..When my kids get hurt I crumble into a zillion little pieces. I am not strong when It comes to my kids being sick or hurt.. which in my eyes makes me not a very good mommy…..

 My baby… bleeding from his head… me turning white as a ghost… poor baby… running… falling…. hit his head on the corner of the wall.

It took us about 2 seconds before we realized this wasn’t a band aide kinda cut. We rush him to the night clinic… daddy illegally cradeling him in his arms in the back seat.. Me trying to not pass out so I can drive the 20 minutes to the clinic….

My sister in law finally decides its not such a good idea for me to drive, takes over the wheel… telling everyone what they will be doing in the next few minutes… deciding I will be no good in the room with him while the dr looks him over… she decides that task should be for daddy and her mom…..

The dr goes in the room to see him, and all you hear in the waiting room is blood curdling screams… This is where me being a horrible mommy comes in… I had to litteraly leave the clinic… You could hear him screaming outside… The poor little thing, my heart was breaking, I was sick to my stomach, and all I wanted to do was go in there and take him out of there….But I knew I couldn’t. So I stayed out side and tried not to hear his screams.

I hate when my kids are sick or hurt… it litterally breaks my heart… I cannot do anything for him, other then hold him and kiss him and tell him I love him, and ask him to please not run anymore. =(

I love my babies…

Today was a tough day… He is sound asleep now, I sit here typing this watching him, breathe….. remembering I need to breathe as well….

New Town; Same Ole’ Me

Well, if nothing else our move has been adventurous.

It started out with me dropping Kyle and Meghan off at school, telling them how much I love them and how I am going to miss them an awful lot, them in turn looking at me like I had three heads… It’s only three months mom… I said three and a half… So they kissed me goodbye and got out of the car to start their day.

I then went back to my moms house to get Moe and Remy and finish packing some things into the trailblazer. Moe, Remy, Zoey, Max, Jake, Oliver and Me. We went to get into the car and my mom hugged Moe and lost it, She started to cry, which in turn made me bawl like a baby. I know that when you are married you are supposed to be strong and know that it’s your husband that you are supposed to follow, but leaving my two children and my mom was almost enough to break me completely.  My heart ached , it still does, everyday I wake up and wonder if this was the right thing for our family.

Leaving my kids weighs heavily on me everyday. I know it was good for them to finish school there, and all my thoughts of wanting them here with me are extremely selfish compared to their well being. Knowing it was the right thing to do in my head and my heart excepting it are two completely different things…….

 So back to the move……..

 We leave on our long trip , with rain pouring down, it was an all in all awful drive. And whoever invented the GPS can I just say, YOU SUCK. I swear to you that I wanted to throw that damn thing out the window on more then one occassion. Route Recalculation…. route recalculation… no shit, I missed my exit… Really ? Are you sure? Route recalculation…. Turn sharp left then another sharp left, then right, why not I’m lost anyway, lets just drive in circles for 30 minutes to kill time…..

Then comes Elkton Maryland… Almost to our destination ( according to Jill ( our GPS). My car makes this awful noise, then starts to smoke and smell as though it is on fire….Great, lovely, perfect ending to an ohhhh so wonderful day. It gets towed, my sister in law comes to get us and all our animals and all our crap in the trunk.

We then go to her house, eat dinner, then go to Jersey to see our new house… Landlords still living there.. all their stuff all over the place. It’s 9 pm and our movers are moving our stuff into the house at 8 am the next morning. They will have it ALL done by then, no problem… Yeah… No problem.. ( remember the day I had) hmmmph.. no problem…..

 8 am Saturday Feb 23rd……

EVERYTHING wasn’t done… ok .. no problem.. movers move around their stuff… Besides he isn’t bad to look at so why not let him stick around, gave me and my sister in law something to look at while the men did all the work……

The mechanic that my landlord knows looked at my car and said oh it’s nothing , a wheel barring , you need some new tires ( I just bought those ones in May) and a serpintine belt… ok… It can wait its not that big of a deal and can be driven for a while.

Ok.. Cost me 75 for him to tow it from the dealership, and another 35 for him to look at it.

Then I took it for him to fix the serpintine belt on Tuesday. That only cost me 45 wow… that was great… no one would only charge 45 to do that… it’s a pain in the ass to change on most cars… apparently not mine…

Told me to bring it back on Thursday for the Wheel barring ( or whatever he called it ) That it would cost on the up end 200 low end 150… ok … He takes it apart… NOT!!!! He calls me … its your transmission… remember that awful noise it made in Saturday when I was driving it ? Apparently something broke…Used transmission with 35,000 miles on it, 900, new transmission 1735 plus labor… So I was pondering what crevis of my body I was going to pull all this money out of when he called me back and said , ok I was wrong, Its not the transmission, it is your transfer box for the four wheel drive ( this making more sense to me since I was driving with 4 wheel drive on when it happened)  I was relived thinking ok great this wont cost that much !!!! Wrong again… 900 with labor this time though…. But one more problem, he has to find the part before he can fix it , apparently they aren’t so easy to find… Then he will need some time to fix it because it is a bitch to get to. And depending on when he finds it how much it cost will determine if the price goes up from 900 to whatever… So right now the car sits at the mechanics in Delware while I sit in Jersey awaiting the fate of my pocket book.

I seriously was conteplating just driving it through the chevy dealers font window, and saying take this truck and shove it…. My lease is until November though…. just my luck…..

So we moved our stuff in and didn’t stay in the house overnight until Monday night….. What can ya do….

Not the smoothest of moves, but hey maybe this big empty house will feel less big when all the kids are here and there is some noise, and pitter patters of feet… We will see… Until then I suppose I will continue to be a totally screwed up emotional mess.